federalcheese

Like a Phoenix rising out of Arizona

2009-06-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

This is an attempt to begin posting to Federalcheese again. As a side note, I am writing this post as I watch the San Francisco Giants face a pitcher I played against in high school and college. A pitcher labeled as a “veteran.” AND, I remember watching the new manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks when he played for Stanford. Now that makes you feel old.

I have also been thinking a lot recently about the United States and the problems we face. And there are quite a few. Rising health care costs, rising unemployment, rising budget deficits, a war in Afghanistan, the occupation of Iraq, global warming, Kim Jong Il getting that much ballsier and if you want to buy an American car, you had better make it a Ford. Not to mention Newt Gingrich is somehow becoming the leader of the Republican Party.

With all these problems, here is what I believe should alarm you the most; Two weeks ago Taliban fighters were within one hundred miles of the capital of a nation with a formidable nuclear arsenal. Somehow, news programs seem more concerned with Chrysler’s bankruptcy, but the Taliban is as strong as ever and Pakistan may not be able to stop them.

Do you agree? Let me now your thoughts.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-25T13:05:00.001-08:00

Ah, The Fake News Continues

2008-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

AP-New York

One day after her rival for the Democratic Party nomination claimed victory, Hillary Clinton spoke to the chess club at La Guardia Middle School in Flushing. The last minute speech addressed the critical debate over Clinton’s refusal to admit defeat after the culmination of the primary season. “I have fought for justice my entire life,” Clinton said. The former First Lady went on to relate a story from her own school years. “I remember playing dodge ball in 3^rd grade and I also remember being quickly knocked out of the game.” Clinton began to tear up as she continued, “I remember seeing all of my friends get hit soon after and it made me mad. So mad that I marched straight up to Mr. Carvolachio I told him the game wasn’t fair.” Clinton persisted and eventually convinced her 3^rd grade teacher to change the rules of the game. “She was a tenacious little bugger back then,” said Vincent Carvolachio, now retired, from his home in Utica, “and I remember her being teased for ruining that dodge ball game.” Carvolachio went on to say the game that day quickly turned into chaos with most of the kids leaving the gym to play foursquare. Clinton ended her speech to the middle school students by telling them not to give in to injustice and later partook in a spirited game of chess with 7^th grader, Bobby Gimnal. “Yeah, it was fun playing chess with her even though she kept asking me if I thought the rules were fair,” Gimnal said after Clinton’s visit.

Oh boy

2008-05-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

On the Today Show this morning, former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said George Bush authorized the leaking of Valerie Plame's CIA identity to the press. Yes, the President was accused of treason today. AND...word on the street is Henry Waxman has issued a subpoena for Scott McClellan.

So, just for starters

2008-05-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

I have a degree in History which means I like old shit and am kind of afraid of new technology. The fact that I can take a photo with my phone and email it to myself fucking blows me away. So here is the latest photo taken with my phone:

I'm pretty sure they have abandoned the initial business plan at "24 hour" fitness.

This comes on a night when I heard two memorable lines while walking the streets of Seattle:

"Yeah, seafood is pretty good" and "I've been thinking about Toxic Avenger a lot recently."

This is Very Telling

2008-05-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

The Key Arena (where the Seattle Supersonics play) couldn't hold all the people who wanted to see Barack Obama last time he visited Seattle. Hillary Clinton's rally wasn't as big, but it was free, as was Obama's. This was just before the Washington caucuses, but even that didn't force McCain to have a free event. He addressed a few people at the Westin hotel...for a fee. Now that McCain is the Republican nominee, he can comfortably go back to Republican elitist politics as usual. Tonight, he's in Bellevue (one block from my work, oy.) and here is what his website has to offer: (italics are mine)

"Tickets for a Photo Opportunity Reception are $10,000 per person or couple (Raise or Contribute). Tickets for a VIP Reception are $2,300 per person, and tickets for the Main Reception are $1,000 per person. Tickets for the Victory Dinner are $33,100 per person or couple. The photo opportunity reception begins at 5:00 p.m., and the VIP reception begins at 5:30 p.m.. The main reception begins at 6:00 p.m., and the victory dinner begins at 7:00 p.m."

The average annual income today for a male in his 30's is...$35,000.

Oh, Hillary.

2008-05-08T10:21:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton continues to play the race card. Her latest last-ditch effort to stay in the race is to claim more uneducated white people vote for her than Barack Obama. She says these voters are necessary for a Democratic victory in November and that Obama can’t get their support. Clinton won 6 of every 10 white voters in Indiana. Uneducated whites will help back up Clinton’s claim when she wins the upcoming West Virginia and Kentucky primaries, two states that are full of uneducated white people and will both give all their electoral college votes to John McCain this November. Oregon’s primary is coming up as well and anybody who has ever spent time in Oregon knows that there are a lot of white people there. Obama is leading in the polls in Oregon. Washington State Democrats voted 68% for Obama to 31% for Clinton. Washington State has 3% of its voters listed as African-American.

Here’s my point. Obama continues to campaign on the issue of change and one of those changes is not campaigning the old fashioned way by saying what demographics can we win and who can we afford to lose. Clinton used to think working class whites mattered more than blacks. Obama narrowed that gap in Indiana and now Clinton says its uneducated whites that matter. Basically, blacks don’t win elections; whites do, according to Clinton. Obama thinks that large numbers of Democrats showing up on November 4^th wins an election. Traditionally, nominees campaign in states they think they can win. Republicans don’t spend much time during the national campaign in San Francisco and Democrats don’t schedule a lot of rallies in Houston or Dallas. But, I think we are going to see this change with Barack Obama. While Hillary continues to throw out the “I’ve won the big states (with lots of white people in them and never mind the fact that these states will most likely vote for the Democratic candidate whoever that might be) strategy, Obama continues to inspire hope in Americans from all walks of life and it seems to be working. If the sheer number of Democrats showing up for the primaries, show up in November, McCain will back in the Senate chamber in January.

I really don't have much to say

2008-05-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

So here are some pictures of projects around the house:

I have slowly been replacing the pea gravel walkway in our front yard with Pennsylvania Bluestone

A bigger job is replacing the 103 year old furnace:

With a new gas furnace:

They say there are a lot of Republicans crossing over...

2008-04-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Also keep in mind that Julie Nixon Eisenhower (Yes, those Nixons and those Eisenhowers) has given the maximum donation allowed by an individual donor to...Barack Obama.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-04-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

John McCain has been declared the winner of ABC Democratic Debate

Once again, we go to Keith Olbermann for the details:

Spring Training

2008-03-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

Justin Housman and I just got back from Spring Training and it was a blast. It was 90 degrees, something I am not used to living in the Pacific Northwest. As a nice "welcome back" it was snowing in Seattle yesterday. Oh well. From a fan's perspective, the most enlightening part of the trip was listening in to the banter of the players and the coaches. We came across the Cubs minor league camp and were able to observe play from about as close as one can get. The players sat next to you on the bleachers, they urinated next to you in the bathroom and they talked about the same stupid shit I talked about when I played. It makes me think I could have made it had I just hit the weight room and batting cage a bit more. The minor league games were so intimate that one could hear all the conversation going on. Like when the first base umpire called a runner safe on a close pick-off play and yelled out "he was in." A player from the Giants bench asked "you sure?" The umpire responded, "yes." The major league games were great too, but the feeling of being amongst pure baseball fans begins to diminish at the big parks. Take the conversation we heard during the Angels-Mariners game:

Idiot # 1 "Hey, I bruise easily."
Idiot # 2 "Do you have gout?"
Idiot # 1 "Gout's in you feet."
Idiot # 2 "Gout's in your joints"
Idiot # 1 "Hey, Frank, where do you get the gout?"
Idiot # 3 "In your feet"
Idiot # 2 "You have joints in your feet"
Idiot # 1 "You do?"

Anyway, here are some photos:

One could almost walk onto the field at the Cub's minor league camp

Hall-of-Famer Ryne Sandberg coaches the AAA Peoria Chiefs

Dan Fouts, George Brett and Wayne Gretzky gabbing before the Dodgers-Royals game

There is a lot of Spanish spoken in baseball these days

The J-Ho under the Scottsdale Library having just found out he lost $10 because he didn't know where Carthage was.

the downside of a flat world

2008-03-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

Wherein I rant about stuff that has been ranted about many times before

2008-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

I’m sick and tired of the hypocrisy of the Republican Party. These politicians preach about how government is too big and intrudes too much into the everyday lives of average Americans through taxes, regulations and oppressive laws. They say we need to privatize utility companies, open up all business to the “free market” and allow the “natural order” of the world to take effect. People will be free to live their lives as they see fit and spend their money as they choose and as a result the world will be a better place.

Sounds good, but hold on a second. It’s not so clean cut, because if someone wants to get an abortion after being raped, those same Republicans want a law against that. If a teacher believes creationism is a crock of shit and chooses not to teach it, those Republicans want to step in and remove that teacher. If a journalist thinks she might sell some newspapers in the “free market” by publishing a few pictures of caskets coming off a plane from Iraq, those Republicans think the government needs to stop this in order to “protect Americans.” If two guys living down the street decide to get married, Republicans think we need to outlaw this in the name of morality. Be it stopping people from burning flags or smoking marijuana, the Republican’s idea of “reducing government” is a lie.

Today it’s stopping the American Medical Association from revoking the licenses from physicians who, refusing to perform abortions or dispense emergency contraception to patients, don’t refer those patients to a physician who will. The AMA has a code of ethics that includes referring patients to other physicians when a physician cannot or chooses not to treat a patient. This is not a secret and if you choose to be licensed by the AMA and practice medicine, you must adhere to this code. A vast majority of members of the AMA believe this is a just idea and support it. But, some Republicans don’t like this idea and now think the government needs to step in and bypass what a majority of doctors in American believe. Republicans want to reduce government regulation, but if regulation is needed to impose Christian values, well that’s different story.

I know all of this doesn’t come as news to most of you out there. We argue about the details of policy a lot, but it really comes down to the basic idea of freedom. I wouldn’t have such a problem with Republicans if they stuck to their ideas and became Libertarians. You want freedom. Okay, let’s have freedom. No taxes, no regulations, no trade restrictions. But that also means freedom to have an abortion, freedom to marry whom ever we want, freedom to smoke whatever we want and freedom to fire whom ever we want who doesn’t adhere to the policies of the job they were licensed to do.

Okay, I'm done.

Washington State Caucus

2008-02-10T22:15:00.000-08:00

Well, Washington State's caucus has come and gone. My precinct selected all six of its delegates to the 11th Legislative District Convention for Barack Obama. Ginger and I were "elected" as delegates to the District convention in April, so we'll keep everyone informed if any bribes come our way. BTW, if you have the opportunity to participate in a caucus, do it. It is truly democracy in action.

Goddamn Democrats!

2008-02-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

I always wondered why Washington State has both a caucus and a primary. I still don't know, but I did find out today the Democratic candidate will be chosen from the caucus results on Feb. 9th and not from the primary. I thought this was going to be easy, I even filled out my absentee ballot last night! Now I have to go caucus...probably for Barack Obama.

In which I witness Barack Obama's dream firsthand

2008-01-31T19:45:00.000-08:00

If you have ever listened to Barack Obama speak you know that race is a big theme. He talks about what can be accomplished if we bridge the racial divide between blacks and whites in this country. He even asks if such a divide actually exists or is it just a construct of the media. Well, in a progressive city like Seattle, Obama's dream of racial harmony is closer than one might think. Take a ride on the bus for example.

Anyone who has rode on a bus in an urban environment knows the "hoodlums" usually congregate towards the back. This creates a dilemma in many public transportation riders. Do you stand towards the front of the bus or do you sit in back with the gang bangers? I usually choose to sit. Recently, while sitting in the back of the bus, I was witness to a middle aged white man trading a couple black teens a bottle of Tanqueray for two buds of marijuana. Today was no different. As I boarded the bus I noticed many standing in the aisle while several seats in back remained unoccupied. I made my way through the standing cowards and sat down. Before the bus had even left the stop a young white male, his growth obviously stunted by early cigarette smoking, began talking about how his car was impounded recently. Of course, he blamed the President. He went so far as to cite Bush as the reason he has resorted to selling drugs to make ends meet. At this comment I could actually see the ears perk up on several of the black teens sitting within earshot. It occurred to me that drug deals happen more often than not during my bus trips. A few phone numbers were exchanged and as far as I know everybody is stoned right now. Will Obama get this young man's car out of the impound lot or will Obama embrace this newfound entrepreneurship of racial harmony? Only time will tell.

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

2008-01-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

Justin Cooley is Vice President of Research and Development for Federalcheese and he does a damn fine job. Recently I put Justin to task developing a criteria for building the Federalcheese Nation. Turns out the Church of Scientology already had exactly what we were looking for. Sure, they use these questions to determine if your body is inhabited by the alien gods that came to earth 75 million years ago, but they work for us too. Are you up to Federalcheese's (or Scientology's) standards?

  • Have you ever enslaved a population?

  • Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

  • Have you ever killed the wrong person?

  • Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

  • Have you ever been a professional critic?

  • Have you ever wiped out a family?

  • Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

  • Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some

    unnatural fashion?

  • Have you ever made a planet, or nation,

    radioactive?

  • Have you ever made love to a dead body?

  • Have you ever engaged in piracy?

  • Have you ever been a pimp?

  • Have you ever eaten a human body?

  • Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

  • Have you ever exterminated a species?

  • Have you ever been a professional executioner?

  • Have you given robots a bad name?

  • Have you ever set a booby trap?

  • Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

  • Have you driven anyone insane?

  • Have you ever killed the wrong person?

  • Is anybody looking for you?

  • Have you ever set a poor example?

  • Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

  • Are you in hiding?

  • Have you systematically set up mysteries?

  • Have you ever made a practice of confusing

    people?

  • Have you ever philosophized when you should have

   acted instead?

  • Have you ever gone crazy?

  • Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your

    insanity?

  • Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great

   leader?

  • Have you ever smothered a baby?

  • Do you deserve to have any friends?

  • Have you ever castrated anyone?

  • Do you deserve to be enslaved?

  • Is there any question on this list I had better

   not ask you again?

  • Have you ever tried to make the physical

    universe less real?

  • Have you ever zapped anyone?

  • Have you ever had a body with a venereal

    disease? If so, did you

    spread it?

CONTEST!

2008-01-17T22:35:00.000-08:00

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the half-time show at the Super Bowl (Packers v. Patriots, FYI). Guess what songs they will play and win a Federalcheese t-shirt. I'm guessing a medley involving:

American Girl
I Won't Back Down
Runnin' Down A Dream
Mary Jane's Last Dance

Some political stuff

2008-01-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

People who know me know that I am vocal about my political leanings and this has both distanced me and drawn me closer to those I know. There are friends I truly care about who completely disagree with me when it comes to ideas of where our country needs to go. I care about them because we have conversations and not arguments about what is the right path. That being said, the question of whom I plan on supporting in the primaries has come up a lot in conversation lately as I am sure it has for many. My own personal answer has evolved quite a bit in the last few months as I also hope it has for many. I’ll admit I fell under the charm of Barack Obama after reading his books¹. I bounced around playing the “Chris Dodd is very progressive, but annoying while Joe Biden is refreshingly honest, yet annoying as well” game. John Edwards has some good ideas, but his Christianity holds him back from being truly progressive in the social realm. I’m confident Bill Richardson will be the Vice Presidential candidate and so I have taken him off my list. Many times I found myself saying, “To hell with it, I’m voting for Dennis Kucinich!” But, one candidate I have never really considered is Hillary Clinton. Maybe I listen to too much Air America radio where Clinton is seen as the centrist “politics as usual” candidate. Maybe it’s because any Clinton supporter I ask answers that she has their vote, “because she can win.” Maybe I just like underdogs. In the last few months I have really felt a dislike for the Clinton juggernaut almost as if she were in a rival party. After Clinton’s third place finish in Iowa, I felt a strange relief. If she does win the nomination, she will have my support despite the lame campaign she has run.² But all of this has left a bad taste in my mouth. That bad taste is a result of the realization that the Democrats are getting closer and closer to choosing that one person to send forth. One person to embody all our hopes and dreams. One person to be our salvation. I had thought that person was pretty much chosen, but then all that changed. Now it may be someone else and am I prepared for it? It’s all starting to scare me. The next President will inherit a world in which many have either vowed to kill us or simply abandoned us. Many pundits have said that the next Presidency will be one of the most important in our history. Maybe they say that every four years, but somehow I think this year it’s true. Are the Democrats up for the challenge? I’m not so sure.

New Hampshire Primary Predictions:

1.John McCain³ 1. Barack Obama

2.Mitt Romney 2.Hillary Clinton

3.Mike Huckabee 3.John Edwards

4.Rudy Giuliani 4.Bill Richardson

Ah, it's over dude. Fred Thompson

¹The Audacity of Hope was written from the standpoint of someone who plans to run for President and therefore lacks a certain inspiration, whereas Dreams of my Father was written prior to Obama’s political career and is much more telling of who the author really is. I also admit I listened to his books which might have added to the mystique as Obama reads them himself and his voice is really dreamy.

²Hillary did show some emotion at a recent event in New Hampshire, which did inspire me. I know she is better than her campaign portrays her and hopefully a national campaign, if there is one, will show the “I’m a smart woman with some good ideas, but I’ve got problems just like you such as how to raise an upstanding daughter and have an independent career while my husband is a bit of a scumbag” side of Hillary. She needs to play up her relationship to the new ‘silent majority.”

³44^th President of the United States, John McCain

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T09:55:00.001-08:00

More of Federalcheese Takes Issue

2007-11-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

Does anybody else think Eli Manning looks like a date rapist? Does "Shotgun News" really have to be weekly? I mean does change really
happen that often in the gun world?

Thanksgiving Fun.

2007-11-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

I am a bit excited by the news that President Bush told his Press Secretary to lie about the Valarie Plame leak, but we'll see how that develops. In the meantime, we'll have more fun with Ron Paul. Watch here.

Federalcheese Takes Issue

2007-10-31T20:31:00.000-07:00

When your lawyer advertises with neon signs.

I'm on a kick writing fake news

2007-10-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

President Bush has not issued many vetoes in his nearly seven years in office, but that has changed in recent weeks. Mr. Bush started October by vetoing the SCHIP bill that would have funded national health care for low-income children. Despite angering many in his own party seeking reelection next year, the President said the bill would cost too much and include too many middle-income children in the plan.

Mr. Bush got out his veto pen again two days ago when he rejected a bill sent to him from Congress that would have funded the acquisition of dozens of new animals for the National Zoo. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said, “Look, we know those Asian bear cubs are cute, but there just isn’t any money in the budget for them.”

But the President wasn’t done yet. Yesterday he vetoed legislation that included funding for catering services for the upcoming National Elementary Children’s Achievement reception in Washington. When asked about why the President was passing on bills that passed through both houses of Congress with overwhelming support, Perino said, “It costs a lot of money to wage war across the world and we’re sorry if we have to take puppies, candy and medicine away from little kids to do it.”

What the . . .?

2007-09-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

Bill O' Reilly had dinner with Al Sharpton at a "black" restaurant recently in suburban New York and went on to say:

"There were no crazies saying "MF'er" get me some more iced-tea."

Yes, he really said this.

fake news

2007-09-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you think Osama bin Laden is looking younger these days you are right. Not only is his beard looking like its old self, but bin Laden is sleeping better, laughing more and getting along with all of his wives for the first time in years, according to Mohammad Hasid, Al Qaeda’s newly appointed press secretary. “He’s feeling great,” said Hasid during his inaugural press conference in Islamabad on Monday. Hasid denied allegations that bin Laden has been using “Just for Men” to alter the color of his beard. Hasid jokingly reported video was being altered by Al Qaeda’s new graphics intern from the University of Riyadh to hide the grey in bin Laden’s beard.

So what is bin Laden’s secret? Hasid reports that bin Laden has been using a product he discovered on the Internet. Created in the mountains of Kazakhstan, bin Laden uses a gel made from a mixture of ground goat’s hoofs, mud from the Aral Sea along with other mystery ingredients. The gel is rubbed under the arms three times a day, reports Hasid. “It smells terrible, but most of the guys living in those caves smell pretty bad already, Hasid joked. The new press secretary later showed video of a group that was leaving Islamabad to bring supplies, including the “fountain of life” mixture, to bin Laden’s mountain hide out recently. Despite Al Qaeda’s dire reputation, the group videotaped can be seen laughing and playing with each other. One insurgent even gives another member a “wedgie” before the group starts its trek to bin Laden’s hideout. Along with food and medical supplies, the video shows the caravan carrying back issues of Us Weekly magazine, compact discs of rap music and a copy of the recently released Halo 3.

The Key is Communication

2007-09-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

My job often means working nights. If a couple nightshifts are strung together the communication between my wife and I tends to happen via email. Recently, my wife sent me an email detailing new traffic laws and fines. Here is an example how my marriage works:

New driving fines for the State of Washington. These fines went into
effect on July 1st. Something to read and remember

1) HOV Lane - 1st time offense $1,068.50 (note: the sign posted on the HOV
lanes that says $271 is now wrong and DOT is in the process of changing
them) second offense fine is doubled, third it is tripled and fourth
your license is suspended for a year! (they are not playing around!)

2) Incorrect Lane Change - $380.00 (not using turn signal or "cutting"
someone, crossing the white lines while merging)

3) Block Intersection - $485.00

4) Driving on Shoulder - $450.00

5) Cell Phone Usage While Driving - $285.00 (cell phone usage must now be
done with "hands free" device.) Law Enforcement has been told to really
start cracking down on this, as the accident rate is increasing due to
cell phone use. I hate it when people do this…..just saw an accident happen yesterday from this!!

6) Cell Phone Usage in a Construction Zone - $570.00 (this fine is doubled
from the regular $285.00)

7) Passengers over the age of 18 not in a seat belt - Both the passenger
AND driver with get tickets for $101.00

8) DUI - Instant ARREST! (the courts are now placing DUI's on your driving
record for a period of 10 years!)

9) Last but not least. You know that there was a thought that you could go
at least 5 MPH over the posted speed limit, well according to the WSP you
are now allowed just 3 MPH over! So, watch your speed my friends.

Bill Replies: Well, that's it. All fun has officially disappeared from my life. To

counter this, I will now make it a point to personally break as many of

these "laws" at once.  I will see you on the evening news.

Ginger Replies: Aggh, that's not really what I wanted to hear. I just wanted you to get

a hands free device and to use your blinker.....


Bill Replies: Oh.


Ginger Replies: You scare me sometimes.

What the hell is going on in the Republican Party?

2007-09-06T09:42:00.000-07:00

The Fox News Republican Debate was the last straw for me. I’ve seen presidential debates before, but I have never seen moderators arguing with the candidates. I have never seen moderators antagonizing the candidates. I have never seen moderators laughing at the candidates. Well, it was really just one candidate. Ron Paul. Paul is the one candidate that believes we should completely pull out of Iraq. Not many Democrats even believe this, but Paul has a lot of Republican supporters. Now, don’t get confused. Paul is a Libertarian. Paul believes in free trade and isolationism in foreign policy. He wants to abolish federal income taxes and the IRS along with it. He wants to abolish the CIA. He is pro-life. He values state’s rights over the Federal government (remember Reconstruction from high school?). But he also has sharp criticism for the President.

For the Republican Party, a party that has so many problems with “Hollyweird,” this debate was pure show. It was brought about solely to discredit Paul. Yet it was Paul who was voted the winner by the Republicans in the audience. Sean Hannity could even be heard saying, "I don't believe it" when Paul was announced as winner. Sure, the Democrats always pick on Dennis Kucinich, but they don’t resort to staging entire debates in the attempt to show how crazy he is. Maybe the Republican Party should open its eyes and see what Republicans really believe these days.

old and new

2007-09-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

A previous incarnation of this website once had a feature called “Federalcheese Takes Issue” wherein I basically ranted about stuff I found stupid or ironic. This is a first attempt to bring it back. Maybe someday I'll break out the code and have a permanent home on the site for it, but until then, here you go:

People who advertise their alma mater multiple times on their car.

You went to Penn State, good for you, now move on. And take off the Penn State cap you’re wearing while driving. Yeesh. But I do have an old Los Medanos Community College sticker in a box in the basement. If I can find it. . .well, we’ll see.

This post has no title

2007-09-04T21:22:00.001-07:00

Well, my last post was described as “uninspired” and that I might be “depressed.” I did have a lot on my mind such as replacing water pipes in my yard (see pictures below), but that doesn’t matter. My last post was “uninspired.” But I’m also “cheap.” I haven’t “earned the respect of my peers.” I don’t “wash on a regular basis.” I “tend to steal things.” I “forget to pay bills on time.” I’m not “tech savvy.” I often “kick small animals.” I “laugh at retarded kids.” I “don’t know my left from my right.” I sometimes “zone out and don’t remember what I have been doing for the last twenty minutes. I could go on and on, but my last post being “uninspired” and the resulting "depression" is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yeah, I “speak in cliché” a lot.

Here are some pictures of the “manual labor” I had to do in order to save $2000.

I had to use this to. . .

Dig this.

My posts are sporadic at best

2007-08-29T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been awhile since my last substantive post. Some would say a long while, but I have been busy. Not much has been going on, but the wife and I did have family visiting. The family made the trip down to Mt. St. Helens, but the weather didn't cooperate. How odd that that that would happen in Washington. Mostly, I have been at work. Recently my company has done some hiring and that can be fun for two reasons. 1. You are able to hire some great people who will really help out the company. 2. (and this is much more common) you get to speak with the dumbest people in the area. Like the girl who said that weekends are fine. . .except for Sundays.

I recently discovered that I have leaking water pipe in the front yard. The wife found a guy who will do the work cheap just as long as I do all the manual labor. Well, if it saves us $2000 I'm okay with it, but when a rep from Seattle public utilities came out to inspect the leak and was asked how deep the pipe was, she replied,"18 inches. . .or deeper." I asked, "how much deeper?" She said she didn't know. I asked if 18 inches was the standard and she said, "no, the pipe could be any depth." I thanked her for her time.

Anyway, that's all for now.

more pictures

2007-08-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

I told Ginger's sister I would post these pictures despite my guess that she doesn't visit federalcheese all that often.

Ginger's carrots and the dahlias are blooming

I've got photos

2007-07-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Some may know that I was fortunate enough to attend the recent Youtube-CNN Democratic Debate in Charleston, S.C. this week as a guest of Youtube all-star Melissa Compagnucci. I was able to shake hands and chat, if not briefly, with most of the candidates including Hillary and Barak. I'm back home now working in the yard and trying to relax during the last days of my week off from work. If you are looking for photos of me with the candidates. . .sorry.

Charleston is old and hot.

I had never seen the Atlantic Ocean before, Fort Sumter is off in the distance. Oh, I did meet Toby Ziegler aka Richard Schiff.

And finally, photos of the garden. First tomatoes.

If I only could have been born to A's fans

2007-07-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of every baseball season I have the same crisis. Do I want to fork out the 40 bucks a month and get cable so as to watch baseball or do I stick with trying to catch games on the radio. I never take the plunge as I soon remember that all I care about on TV is baseball. Yes, I am left out of the conversations at work about last night’s “24” or what will happen during the last Sopranos episode, but this doesn’t bother me. These conversations always seem stupid and useless anyway.

It all came together this year when I discovered MLBTV. For $15 a month I can watch ALL baseball games. All teams, everyday, any day, I can tune in to see what’s happening. When I get home after work at 11pm, I turn on the replay of the night’s Giants game. If I care to watch GOOD baseball, I might check out the Mets or Brewers. I might even see what the Dodgers are up to if only to hear Vin Scully. With Mark Grace doing color, Diamondback games can be a lot of fun too. Notice that I don’t watch American League games. When I am not at work, I am watching baseball. Okay, sometimes I read a book and other times I watch a Seinfeld DVD, but usually it’s baseball.

Take today for example. The internets listed a day game at Wrigley between the streaking Cubs and the not-so-streaking Giants. Matt Cain, an outside favorite to win the Cy Young early in the season was going up against the Cub’s ace, Carlos Zambrano. The Giants field one of the best starting rotations in baseball despite the record they have put up. A pitcher can blow everybody away, but if his own team scores few runs, wins will be hard to come by. Hence, the 2007 San Francisco Giants. Matt Cain, despite having a 95 mph fastball that he can place with precision and a 3.53 ERA owns a record of only 3-10.

Cain started out strong today, but so did Zambrano. It was a pitcher’s duel going into the 5^th when Ryan Klesko and Pedro Feliz missed ground balls. Combine that with two passed balls by catcher Guillermo Rodriguez and the Cubs left the inning after scoring nine runs. The Cubs are the team that for over a century have been known for imploding on themselves, but today it was the Giants. It reminded me of watching the Giants from the early ’80s before stars like Will Clark, Robby Thompson and Matt Williams arrived. The years when losing 100 games in a season was a given. But pitching remained a question for the Giants even when they were one of the best teams of the late ’80s and into the ‘90s. This year’s starters brought me hope. But now I think about what must be the growing frustrations of a great pitching staff on a offensively struggling team.

So, as much as I enjoy the good-natured ribbing of how much the Giants suck, for the record, I KNOW HOW MUCH THE GIANTS SUCK!

And another post

2007-07-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

I was late for work yesterday and heard something about President Bush commuting to work on a scooter? Did I hear that right? Anyway, here are some pictures of the ongoing garden project:

July 3rd

March 3rd

And I am officially calling Spoon's "Ga Ga Ga Ga" the album of the year thus far. Though The White Stripes' "Icky Thump" is pretty good.

here's a new post

2007-06-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

I was helping federalcheese hall of famer, and new papa, Adam Wujick move into his new Eastside house the other day and I proposed a top-five category to keep things. . .well moving I guess. Top-five bands in which I never plan on owning an album from, yet when they come on the radio, I consistently like what I hear. Now, I was thinking of more contemporary bands, but federalcheese minor leaguers Chris Fleharty and Dave "I'm drunk" Dernbach were also helping the move and quickly offered up some "older" selections. I heard Don Henley and Boston mentioned. Don Henley I'll give 'em, but Boston was cool for about 3 seconds when I was fourteen years old. Anyway, here is my list:

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. Green Day
3. Smashing Pumpkins (they just got back together?)
4. Weezer (I inherited the "blue album" when I got married, as well as a hell of a lot of Fleetwood Mac)
5. Sublime

I am also starting to compile a list of things people do in my neighborhood that seems ironic to me. So far:

Spray painting the anarchy "A" on ABANDONED buildings and the woman who does sixty miles an hour down the street with school children all around because she doesn't want her kid to be late to school. I'll include more as I see them

A "Story of Federalcheese" moment

2007-05-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I threw away a saucepan today. Actually, I recycled it. In looking it is easy to see why, but this wasn’t just any saucepan. It was the first saucepan I purchased upon moving away to college. I bought it at the K-Mart off San Anselmo Road in Atascadero along with a lamp, a toaster and underwear. It was 1996. August. I don’t remember how much I spent.

The lamp was destroyed during my first move to Seattle. The toaster didn’t last long. My father always told me, “You get what you pay for,” but I didn’t listen. I have owned many toasters in my short life. For all I know those pairs of underwear are still in my rotation as I have few memories of ever throwing underwear away. But losing the saucepan gave me pause.

The saucepan represents the base elements of cooking. Sure, one could heat frozen dinners in a microwave. I say “heat” because with the push of a button all effort on the cook’s part is complete. But a saucepan involves “cooking” simply because one has to periodically check in on the meal and maybe even stir it. My job during college often resulted in my getting home after midnight. With school in a few hours the saucepan was my savior. I could have a can of soup, heat water for Top Ramen, or even steam vegetables though that didn’t happen very often.

I carried that saucepan with me through all my moves. It was with me when I rented a room at a woman’s house that had a homeless guy residing in the living room. He liked to watch professional wrestling. Loud. He also ate any food I had in the refrigerator. But opening a can and using a saucepan was beyond him and so I always could count on a can of chili waiting for me in the cupboard.

I brought that saucepan to the apartment across from the train station where the first victim of Rex Allen Krebs was killed. My friend found a puddle of blood one morning and called 911 to report it. A crew was sent out to clean up the mess before the police were called to investigate it. I had just opened a can of clam chowder when the FBI came to my door asking if I had heard anything. I hadn’t.

Eventually, I met the woman who would become my wife and she convinced me to buy new pans. That first saucepan was relegated to use only when doing the dishes was just not an option. In the past few years, I rarely saw it in use on the stove. We made the trip to Costco the other day and couldn’t resist the deal on a new set of three saucepans. That same night my wife presented me with the saucepan so that I could lay it to rest. She new it was important that I do it.

Maybe that saucepan has become part of a new aircraft over at Boeing. I like to think it might have been recycled into the frame of a new school or hospital. And maybe it was just used to make other saucepans. Saucepans that will be purchased by boys going into college just like I was over a decade ago.

While you're composing your letters to Congress

2007-04-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of a snake I found in my front yard.

Federalcheese attempts to become something more

2007-04-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to move away from topics like how gay is my cat and how long does it take me to build a fence, I am starting the process of moving Federalcheese to a more meaningful community resource.

Some may know that the first major challenge to abortion rights since a conservative majority took over the Supreme Court came recently and the result was not so good. In a 5-4 decision, the Court voted to uphold the federal ban on intact dilation and extraction (“d&e”) abortions. Those on the right may know this method as “partial birth abortion.” Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy and Alito made up the majority opinion. Scalia and Thomas going so far as to write, “Roe v. Wade has no constitutional basis.” Justice Ginsberg, writing for the dissenting opinion said, “The Court’s opinion tolerates, indeed applauds, federal intervention to ban nationwide a procedure found necessary and proper in certain cases by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. For the first time since Roe, the Court blesses a prohibition with no exception protecting a woman’s health.” We are beginning to head down a slippery slope. If more abortion procedures become illegal, the better the chances that doctors will be frightened away from offering safe abortion options due to fear of prosecution.

But here is the good news. This is a federal law that the Supreme Court upheld. Congress passed this law. Congress can pass a law reversing it. The ban on d&e abortions was twice sent to former President Bill Clinton who twice vetoed it. President Bush signed it into law. I urge all Federalcheese readers to write their members of Congress and urge them to support legislation reversing the ban. Yes, Bush will veto it, but it will bring this issue to the nation’s attention. We must force a national dialog because I believe most Americans do not think the way the President and the five members of the Supreme Court feel. I have included a link to Congress’ website here. It’s time we make the new Democratic majority start reversing the limits on our liberties imposed by the conservative government during the past seven years.

A chapter from my life thus far

2007-04-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am almost ready to leave for work. I see that my cat, Pancho, is staring at me through the front door. This means he wants in. I open the door to find Pancho in the grip of the neighbor's cat. I am alarmed at first, chasing off the invading cat, but realize immediately that I am wrong to assume malicious intent. The cat is just lonely and doesn't want his "friend" to leave. He is not trying to hurt Pancho, but instead is merely trying to drag Pancho away from the door and from going inside.

I was telling my wife about this when she mentioned that the neighbor's cat was not fixed, that he had "big balls" and maybe Pancho was gay. I dismissed this idea immediately, but it has been bouncing around my brain ever since.

Pancho doesn't ever date. He doesn't even talk about other cats, instead he spends most of his days sleeping (depression?). When he is not sleeping he is indulging in vanity. He cleans himself about 25 times a day. He doesn't even enjoy watching baseball with me like he once did. I will accept Pancho no matter what lifestyle he chooses, but I just want to know.

Pancho giving me a look that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable

For all those that missed me

2007-03-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm writing both of you to say the wife and I just returned from a trip to Humboldt County. It was a twelve hour drive, but we visited family and the weather was great. I even got a little sunburn, something that doesn't happen all that often in Seattle. Now, I am sick and have to go to work. Here's to good times.

Based on listening to the Mariners spring training, here is the latest baseball quiz:

Will Richie Sexson again prove himself to be an overrated and useless waste of money?

We stayed at the historic Benbow Inn while in California

A hike took us along the bluffs overlooking the Eel River

While I come up with new quiz topics

2007-03-16T05:26:00.000-07:00

All baseball fans need to read Three Nights in August by Buzz Bissinger. It is awesome. Now, I grew up a Giants fan which means, to a certain degree, I'm not supposed to like Tony LaRussa. He was the manager of the Oakland A's during some of their great years of late including 1989 and the World Series victory over a team we won't mention right now. But none of that matters after reading this book. LaRussa is the antithesis to Billy Beane and the recently fired Dodgers GM, Paul De Podesta's Moneyball theory that is slowly taking over the American League. But above anything else, Three Nights in August is one of most enlightening and well written baseball books you'll ever read.

And the answer to the previous quiz is: Willie Mays

Answer to baseball quiz

2007-03-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

My mother's boyfriend (manfriend?) got this:

Dusty Baker.

Last Baseball Quiz:

Bobby Thompson hit a walk-off home run off Ralph Branca of the Brooklyn Dodgers on October 3, 1951, the Giants won the pennant, the Giants won the pennant, the Giants won the pennant.* Who was on-deck?

*The Giants went on to lose the World Series in six games to the New York Yankees. The Giants recently tried to organize a "turn back the clock" day with the Dodgers based on the "shot heard 'round the world" wherein both teams would wear uniforms from 1951. The Dodgers turned down the offer.

Baseball Quiz

2007-03-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

Hank Aaron hit home run number 715 on April 8, 1974 in the fourth inning of a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers breaking the record for all-time home runs that Babe Ruth held for nearly forty years. Who was on deck?

Oy.

2007-03-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

For all those who have not progressed beyond 7th grade name-calling, I present this:

For all those who make it a policy to simply think, I present this:

Oh yea, the fence is finished.

2007-03-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

This is how the fence looked a month ago.

I recently finished it due to a break in the typical Washington winter

This is where the vegetable garden will be

Well, things are changing

2007-03-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

Yep, the wife started her new job with a new firm today. Really all this means is that I have to switch the bars I go to when waiting for her to get off work.

I used to go here

Now, I go here

I feel as if I should post something

2007-02-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

So here is a picture of my friend April with Chelsea Handler

Also, Jay Buhner was in my store the other day.

That's about it for now.

Predictions

2007-01-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

First, I present my top-5 Democratic Presidential Candidates in descending order starting with the candidate I plan on voting for in the primaries:

1. Bill Richardson (Gov. NM)
2. Barack Obama (Sen. Ill)
3. Hillary Clinton (Sen. NY)
4. Joseph Biden (Sen. DE)
5. John Edwards

Now, the top-5 Democratic Candidates in descending order of chance of winning:

1. John Edwards
2. Hillary Clinton (Sen. NY)
3. Barack Obama (Sen. Ill)
4. Bill Richardson (Gov. NM)
5. Joeseph Biden (Sen. DE)

I am writing from my new laptop at Tully's

2007-01-19T13:50:00.000-08:00

Well, it's not new really, I got it on ebay for $250 and I think it was once owned by an exec. at Enron. Anyway, I have to get in on the "top-5" action:

My top-5 albums of fiscal 2006:

1.Built to Spill-You in Reverse
2.The Shins-Wincing the Night Away
3.Belle & Sebastian-The Life Pursuit (Muzzle it Wujick)
4.Yo La Tengo-IANAOYAIWKYA
5.Neko Case-Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

AND

Top-5 bad habits

1.I drink a lot of alcohol
2.I still have the occasional cigarette
3.I don't shave everyday
4.I don't stay in touch with friends enough
5.Tie Between-sinful thoughts about the opposite sex, too much caffeine, not enough vegetables, not doing enough to help my community, feeling sorry for myself, buying lunch instead of bringing it from home, hating people who don't deserve it, hating people who do deserve it, not doing the dishes after dinner and not brushing before bed

Snow Day

2007-01-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

South Seattle got about 3 inches of snow last night and, fortunately, I have the day off. I promised a picture of the fence I am building and once it stops snowing, I'll finish it.

Well, it's done

2007-01-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

The blog is broken. Hang with me. I'll be back soon.

Yet again, more stuff to read

2006-12-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

I know that federalcheese has become more of a bookclub than a . . .well a waste of time I guess, but here is another selection; Michael Chabon's Wonder Boys. Many may have seen the movie and some may include it as one of their favorites, as I do, but the book is better. I try to stay away from reading books after I have seen the movie. I don't know, maybe I think that I already know the story and will be bored. Maybe I think that always imagining the actors from the movie as I read somehow diminishes the experience. But trust me on this one; there is so much more to the story of Grady Tripp, Terry Crabtree and James Leer going on that fans of the movie need to know about. It's just a hell of a great book.

"The Flotsam of the New California"

2006-12-06T01:07:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading Joan Didion’s Slouching Towards Bethlehem in recent days and have to say that it has made it into the “Federalcheese Canon.” The essays are about the absurdity of 1960’s California and the illusion of the “Golden Dream.” As someone who grew up in California, I can say that what Didion says was true of California forty years ago, is still true today. The title is borrowed from a Yeat’s poem and relates to what she sees as the failings of the “counter-culture” revolution. She is not against the idea of rebellion and change in the ‘60’s, but is highly critical of the masses that claim to be a part of it. The masses that in reality are naïve young men and women who are merely following what they believe will postpone reality for a just a bit longer. People from all over this country seek out California because they believe it is the answer. Most find out the hard way that life is just as hard in California and often worse. There is a piece praising Joan Baez and the Institute for the Study of Nonviolence, as well as an essay exposing the self-referential and innocuous state of the Center for the Study of Democratic Institutions. Didion trys to make sense of life in the Haight. She even reports from the set of John Wayne’s last film, The Sons of Katie Elder. But her most poignant work is when she gets personal and describes what it’s like to be native to such a bizarre and contradictory place.

Items to consider

2006-12-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

Rumsfeld reportedly recommended major changes in Iraq War policy just two days before he was fired. . .er resigned. Does most of the blame for the failed policies fall at his doorstep or is it Bush's pride that continues to fuel this fiasco? Now, don't be confused, Rumsfeld didn't call for a withdrawal of troops. He in fact requested more troops to speed up the transfer of power and to secure borders, but it does look like he was on the outside looking in. How long has he not been part of determining policy in Iraq?

AND

Retail gasoline prices continue to rise after falling PRIOR to the mid-term elections.

The weather outside. . .

2006-11-28T21:53:00.000-08:00

It is 18 degrees outside.

It's Comforting to Know

2006-11-21T00:57:00.000-08:00

Former Giants Assistant General Manager, Ned Coletti is leading the Dodgers down the path to mediocrity. This is something Giant's fans are used to. Maybe the fact that the Dodgers look to be well on their way to challenging the Giants in fielding the oldest team in baseball might help bridge the gab that has separated this age old rivalry for so long. Sure, age brings leadership, but it also brings a hell of a lot of tired old men come September. Good luck with all that guys.

"When Character was King"

2006-11-16T00:47:00.000-08:00

I again apologize for lack of new material, but I have been pretty sick recently. Between sleep and work, there hasn’t been time for much, but I have been reading Richard Reeves’ biography of President Reagan’s time in office. It’s very good (if you’re into that kinda stuff) and it illuminates how our last two-term Republican president wasn’t all that different from our current one. I have excerpted one paragraph below that readers might find humorous. Do know that this occurs one week after the President was shot in the chest, so at least he had that for an excuse:

Soviet troops and tanks, along with units from other Warsaw Pact countries, were on the borders of Poland - two Red Army divisions were permanently stationed inside the country - on “maneuvers” and “war games” called Soyuz-81 that already lasted three weeks. The Soviet leader, Leonid Brezhnev, flew to Prague on Sunday to make an unusual appearance at the Czech Communist Party Congress. He then sat behind the Czech party leader, Gustav Husak, applauding as Husak compared the threat of Solidarity union unrest and strikes in Poland to the situations that led to Soviet invasions of East Germany in 1953, Hungary in 1956 and Czechoslovakia itself in 1968. Warnings of the “gravest consequences for East-West relations” were issued from the White House - along with statements that the President was conferring with aides as the crisis deepened. The American television networks were breaking into regular programming for live coverage of speeches by Lech Walesa, the Solidarity leader, and the new Polish leader General Jaruzelski. During one of their televised speeches, an intern checking Reagan’s room noticed that the President was sitting up, happily watching television cartoons.

Again, I apologize.

2006-11-04T01:29:00.000-08:00

It was brought to my attention recently that my mother-in-law's friends have expressed concern in the lack of updates on federalcheese. Maybe it's because I think I'm boring. Maybe it's because I think no one really cares about the mundane details of my work-a-day world. Hell, maybe I'm just lazy, but I'll give it another go.

Winter weather has arrived in Seattle and my 106 year-old oil furnace has been going full blast. I am reading "Biodiesel America" and inquired into the use of "alternative fuels" in my furnace. The oil company rep said that biodiesel eats away the seals and isn't recommended. I remain suspicious.

My street recently got new sidewalks and a planting strip.

The mid-term elections are next week and the traditionally conservative "eastside" is coming down to the wire between incumbent Bush crony Dave Reichert and Democratic newcomer Darcy Burner. Democrat Maria Cantwell looks to be well on her way to reelection to the Senate. And Democrat Jim McDermott also seems to be a lock for reelection to the House for Washingtons's 7th District.

A guy was arrested in my back alley today. I am about a third of the way towards finishing a fence in the backyard (pictures to come) and today I found myself looking upon Seattle Police officers handcuffing a "suspect" near said fence-under-construction. Regretably, I don't know many details except that the suspect looked to be on drugs. And barefoot.

That's it for now.

I mentioned earlier

2006-10-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

That I was re-reading White Noise. If you have not read this book, do mankind a favor and read it. The chapters are short and suited for reading on the toilet. And it has the best ending of any book I've read in a very long time. Here are some of my favorite lines thusfar:

"Flavorless packaging. It appeals to me. I feel I'm not only saving money but contributing to some kind of spiritual consensus. It's like World War III. Everything is white. They'll take our bright colors away and use them in the war effort."

"Maybe there is no death as we know it. Just documents changing hands."

"My room is zoned for a hot plate."

Ginger and I also went to the ocean recently (this is mainly a test of the new digital camera so bear with me).

I apologize to everyone

2006-10-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

I am dismayed that this blog has degenerated into a Cooley v. Wujick pissing contest. I will work diligently to quash these kinds of activities in the future. For now, know that I am re-reading Don Delillo's White Noise in an attempt to become more cynical. Oh, and I'm building a fence.

Area Man Peddles All That's Wrong With Society

2006-09-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

(Reuters) Chippewa Falls- America, LLC is unlike anything you have ever seen before. Owner Randy Thompson sells “icons of American culture.” A selection from his shelves includes paint by numbers kits, “Married with Children” DVDs, and beaded cell phone covers among other objects of unexamined lives and empty patriotism. Shoppers can browse US Weekly and FHM magazine while awaiting check out. Thompson’s prize procession is an autographed photo of Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra. There are even palm trees on the sidewalk outside. Never mind that it’s December in Wisconsin.

How’s business you might ask? “Fantastic,” says Thompson, a retired electrical worker. “Ever since I opened the doors, it’s been nonstop.” Thompson opened the store last May with the money he gained from a settlement against his former employer. Did I mention that Thompson’s former employer is his brother, who now works full time for America, LLC? “It was my fault for not putting the “wet floor” sign up after mopping,” says Ricky Thompson after being asked what it’s like to work for his younger brother. Rickey was forced to file for bankruptcy after the settlement. He now resides with his family of five in his brother’s two-bedroom home.

I asked Randy why he doesn’t sell more important American cultural symbols such as jazz music, baseball cards, or maybe something representing America’s pragmatic spirit. “Bull****,” says Thompson, “I don’t know where you live, but this sh** is my America.”

Maybe it’s our America too, Randy.

2006-09-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

It's been a hard summer for me. Ginger and I moved into our new house in July and just as we were feeling settled, we had a break-in and lost some stuff. Also recently, I've been spending my days off doing repairs around the place. This includes painting, landscaping, refinishing the 106 year floors and a whole lot of other little things that add up to me not taking advantage of the beautiful Seattle summer. I've gotten over the break-in, for the most part, and the repairs were necessary, but I need to rest a bit. For a while, I've been trying to get up to the mountains and go fishing. There are some great spots about 20 minutes from my work. I'll get up there in the afternoon after work one day, I thought, and I'll be back for dinner. This idea has been keeping me going for the past few weeks. And then today, I read this in the local paper:

State's freshwater fish tainted, study says

Oh well.

Disclaimer - Lisa Stiffler is the author of the linked article

Here's somethin'

2006-08-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

I’m outta ideas for a post at the moment so here is my projected Major League Baseball playoff results. Feel free to comment.

Dodgers v. Cardinals/ Reds v. Mets

Dodgers v. Mets

Mets v. Tigers (World Series)

Tigers v. Athletics

Tigers v. Yankees /White Sox v. Athletics

New this week at the BN

2006-08-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

Anybody?

2006-08-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

Does anybody else out there sit in bed at night and try to pinpoint the exact time it all went terribly wrong?

Decisions to make

2006-07-25T23:21:00.001-07:00

So, I've recently come into some money and I'm thinking I'll do some good with it, which would be a big change for me. I'm considering a membership in a club or organization that is trying to make a change in the world. After much research, I've narrowed down my options to either Ducks Unlimited or Hezbollah. Both have a long record of fighting for what they believe in, but have had their setbacks recently. Lack of funding, too much bureaucracy, a massive Israeli ground offensive, all have contributed in some way to these organizations's woes of late. It's a lot to consider. I don't know, maybe I'll just buy a six-pack of Mountain Dew or something. I'll post later when I make my decision.

Another tale of my day off

2006-06-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

First off, Ginger and I have signed the appropriate papers and our house is officially "our" house. We move next week. Secondly, Ginger and I had the pleasure of listening to author John Mcphee read from his new book and field questions recently at the Seattle Library. It was well worth the free admission, especially when he described a typical working day. "I sit in my office until panic sets in. I'm not trying to be funny here. Once 5 o'clock comes around and I think that I may not write one word today, I somehow manage to get a couple of hours work in. Then I go outside and people tell me that I'm such a prolific writer." If this is how a guy with 42 published books operates, there may be hope for the rest of us.

Today, the weather being about as good as it gets in Seattle, I decided to go for a walk. I took my usual route, winding my way down Queen Anne hill to the park that runs along the Sound and into Downtown. My current neighborhood is one of the richest and, oddly enough, nicest ones in the city. I could walk all day and never tire of gazing at the amazing houses and beautiful, lush gardens. My new neighborhood of South Park is not quite the same. It is one of the poorer areas of the city, but is making some great strides. Today the Port of Seattle voted to clean up an industrial site along the Duwamish River, bordering South Park, to beyond EPA standards. There is a good possibility the area will be turned into a park. We'll see. Our solice is that we will be living away from the neighborhood center where two days ago a guy was shot and killed. He was thought to be a pimp and a drug dealer, so I guess it's okay? Just keep your nose clean, I guess. Anyway, it being possibly my last day to not be packing for the move, I took in the sights of the current surrounds one last time.

Like the upscale neighborhoods of San Francisco, Queen Anne is a place where streets abruptly end in stairways. A drive around the neighborhood is not quite as nice as a stroll.

The other striking feature about Queen Anne are the gardens. Rare is the yard that has fallen into disrepair.

The walk down the hill eventually leads over the railroad tracks and onto a strip of land that meanders along the Sound and into downtown. The park is nice, but activity in the Sound reminds one of the "industrial" side of Seattle.

My walk ultimately took me back to the library where John Mcphee spoke a few days prior. From there I caught the bus back home. The bus smelled like babyshit.

It's this time of year that I think about it

2006-06-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

I live pretty close to the North Pole. The first sign is the sunset at 9pm during the summer. The second sign is the 3pm sunset during the winter.

Once again, the sun setting at 9pm.

Sheesh.

2006-06-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

I work retail. This means one really big sacrifice in my life; If it's Saturday or Sunday, I'm usually working. And my wife and friends are not. But there is another side to this lifestyle. I get a firsthand glimse into the world of A LOT of weird people who wander the greater Seattle area during the week. (I realize the implication that I am probably a member of this club so please do not call attention to it)

Today I found myself at Safeway purchasing light bulbs and antacids. (Case in point) My adventure began when I rounded a corner and was greeted to a very beautiful woman bending over (and not at the knees) placing us both in a very compromising position. I should at this point clarify that most people I encounter in my neighborhood during the week are 1. Women 2. Beautiful Women and 3. Married to Rich Husbands explaining their not being employed when we cross paths. This particular woman, upon realizing the levity of the moment, turned beet red and apologized. I replied that it was quite all right and that "these things happen." I continued on to registers.

Upon my arrival in the checkout line two women stood before me. And they were doosies. It was obvious to all that the first woman had jogged or walked briskly to the Safeway. She was sporting bicycle shorts, a windbreaker, new running shoes and a decent gleen of sweat. Her purchase? Two packs of Marlboro Reds. At the moment, the transaction didn't seem quite right and having the entire day to consider it, it still doesn't.

Lady number one, barely exiting before lighting the fruits of her labor, made way for the next mind-boggling customer; A woman wearing a thick parka. Okay, I will admit that I live in Seattle and it can get VERY cold, but not today. It is safe to say that the weather was pretty nice as I was wearing shorts and flip-flops. Not only was this woman wearing a winter coat, she complained to the checker that it was TOO COLD today. Most supermarket cashiers will buy into any conversation you throw at them, but ours was visibly shaken by the comment. She didn't know how to respond and therefore didn't at all. Instead, she stared at the woman for a few seconds and then looked back at me. My raised eyebrows seemed to put her at ease.

What does this all mean? Hell, I don't know. Maybe it just another chapter in the life I have created for myself and, honestly, I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Lists

2006-06-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about lists recently. It started a few weeks ago when I began mentally ranking the top five overrated Seattle Mariners. Later it was the top baseball movies of all time. And today, it was thoughts of the worst Presidents. In the spirit of thrift, I present my combined overrtated Seattle Mariners/Best Baseball Movies/Worst Presidents list for your consideration.

1. Richie Sexson
2. James Buchanan
3. Pride of the Yankees
3. Adrian Beltre
4. Major League
5. George W. Bush
6. Eddie Guardado
7. Little Big League
8. Herbert Hoover
9. The episode of the Munsters with Leo Durocher
10. Richie Sexson again
11. The episode of the Brady Bunch with Don Drysdale
12. William McKinley
13. Felix Hernandez
14. The Rookie
15. Ulysses S. Grant

I think it's safe

2006-05-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here are the promised pictures of the house the wife and I are buying. It was built in 1900. Yes it is 106 years old. It's about ten minutes south of downtown Seattle in the neighborhood of South Park (get your jokes out now). We move in July and will have a party soon afterwards.

federalcheese. . .spanning the globe

2006-05-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

Well if it wasn't enough that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad openly challenged the premise of my senior project, "Back to Hegel: How the West Won" a few weeks ago, now it looks like Mexican President Vicente Fox will be speaking less than a block from my potential new house when he visits Seattle later this week. The ultimate hat trick will be spotting Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez at the local happy hour on Friday night. It could happen.

Excuses

2006-05-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

It’s been an interesting couple of months for federalcheese. I’ve almost bought a house (pictures to come when we are safely past the “you’ll jinx it by posting photos” phase) and the new job has been a transition. I’ve also come to the realization that I am like my father in yet another category. I don’t maintain correspondence with friends. There’s Mark Krames who I was at one time supposed to be writing a movie with.

Mark at the Mexican border following our trip south of the border a few years back

There’s Chris Gomez who is one of the most loyal friends a guy could ever have.

Chris was always a sight to behold at Halloween

There’s my Grandma who called on my wedding anniversary and has yet to here back.

My Grandma and the wife at our wedding reception

Other people I have lost touch with, from left to right: Diane, the drummer in "Tarp" a brief adventure in rock music I was a part of. Andrew Alexander, who has since moved to the East Coast. Myself. Chris Gomez, mentioned above. And Jameson Swanagon who has also since moved to the East Coast.

Look, I’ll admit it. I’m an asshole. As hard as I try, I’ll always be an asshole. My only hope is that my true friends know that they are always in my thoughts. I’ll be in touch soon, I promise.

I know, I know

2006-05-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my duties here at federalcheese in the past weeks, but here are my legitimate excuses. 1. I was recently promoted within my company and started at a new store a mere three days ago. There is a lot that needs to be done at the new locale and, yes, it keeps me up at night. 2. The Ginge and I are putting offers in on houses in the Seattle area on a weekly basis and, yes, it keeps me up at night. Finally, I have been neglecting my cats recently and am trying to spend any spare time with them. Sorry federalcheese readers, but more is coming soon. In the meantime, here are a couple photos to consider.

The JBC during his recent visit to the Great Northwest

Snoqualamie Pass is only an hour from Seattle

Game 6

2006-04-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

All baseball fans need to go here. The year is 1986. The Mets and Red Sox are facing off in the World Series. The Mets are down to their final out in the bottom of the tenth in game 6. Okay, you know the rest, but have you seen it recreated on Nintendo's RBI Basebll with Vin Scully's play-by-play?

What I Did With My Thursday Afternoon

2006-04-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

Federalcheese network all-star, Adam Wujick and I attended a showing of the concert film, “Neil Young: Heart of Gold” yesterday and, all in all, it was a good show. Neil played some new stuff, some old stuff and even covered a few from his Canadian youth. Still as humble as ever, Neil paid homage to his influences, prime among them being Hank Williams. Still I felt the movie lacked a certain spark; It never seemed to get going. The film attempted to depict Young at a crossroads in his career. It’s possibly the last tour for Young, possibly the last album and he’s kicking it off in the Capital of Country, Nashville, Tennessee. Young and his band sound great, but rough editing and unmotivated cinematography kept the performances from gelling into something special. In the end, it was Neil Young, alone with the guitar that Hank Williams himself played, that proved to be the most memorable of the scenes.

Adam and I had fun, pointing out that, when your Emmylou Harris, you’ve earned the right to sit next to Neil and just play one chord (G, which is my favorite). We walked home from downtown Seattle all the while doing our best to imitate Young’s patented high notes. Young’s mother once remarked that she thought her son sang very well, but in a key that didn’t exist. But all of this got me thinking; maybe it’s time for a federalcheese Top-Ten Favorite Albums of All-Time list.

So, here are my picks, but I warn readers that my selections are just that . . .my selections. Some stand on their own, while others were chosen for sentimental reasons. The major factor in creating this list is the test of time. I chose albums that I may have listened to over and over again, but can come back to years later without missing a beat. Whatever the criteria, all deserve a place on this list.

1. Neil Young – Harvest (I know, I know)
2. Led Zeppelin – II
3. Radiohead – O.K. Computer
4. Modest Mouse – The Lonesome Crowded West
5. Steely Dan – Aja
6. The Beatles – Rubber Soul
7. Bruce Springsteen – Born to Run
8. Elvis Costello – My Aim is True
9. Beck – Mutations
10. Built to Spill – Perfect From Now On

Honorable Mention: Elliot Smith – Either/Or & X/O, Beck – Sea Change, Wilco – Being There (disk 1), Pavement – Brighten the Corners, Steely Dan – Can’t Buy a Thrill

The Doors self-titled first album was in consideration, but I HATE “Light My Fire” and therefore left The Doors off my list.

And lastly, thanks Mom, for letting me listen to your record collection and tune out the family for a big chunk of time during my childhood. I’m a better person for it.

One of the perks of living in the Northwest

2006-04-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

Is that famous people often come into where I work. Sometimes it's an author like Sherman Alexie or a former United States Senetor like Slade Gordon. But, every once-in-a-while, I get a gem. Last night it was Bill and Melinda Gates purchasing over $1000 in merchandise. Thanks Bill for getting me to my financial stretch goal for the day.

Should I be concerned?

2006-03-20T12:42:00.000-08:00

A woman waving a cane in front of her as she walks indicates that she is blind, right? So how is it that she can stop and fix her hair in a store-front window? Could she be faking it? This also reminds me of the time I overheard a woman boasting about how she had stopped taking her medication for a week and ran around the block a few times before going in to extend her disability payments. She was also showing off the new DIAMOND RING she had just bought. Is this what has become of the "Welfare State?" It almost makes me want to check Republican on my next voter registration form, but I don't think Dwight Eisenhower is planning on running in the next election.

Old Ike was just poured into that uniform.

Update your RSS feeds

2006-03-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

'cause Ginger's on the march. Readers may or may not have noticed that the wife has written her first signifcant post on gingerish.com. And just as I imagined, ol' Bill gets the shitty end of the stick. I can't wait to hear what comes next.

I needed a change

2006-03-16T23:13:00.000-08:00

I was admiring the vast empire known to the world as federalcheese today and was struck by a sense of. . .ennui. Things have grown stale. I was thinking of switching to an all NASCAR theme or maybe a site dedicated to the Valparaiso Crusaders. I don't know, I was lost. I was grabbing at anything. And then it hit me like a Valparaiso Crusader hitting the sauce after ANOTHER losing season: Elimate the dead links. That's right. If you're too cool to blog, you can consider yourself dead to me. And Michael Degnan. . .you're suspect!

Also, I have upted the ante, not only by adding more and more cliche' to my posts, but by placing the Ginge at the top of the revised links list (Sorry JBC). Will Il Gingino rise to the occasion or will she wilt like a hot-house flower? The cliche' never stops .

I was watching TV today

2006-03-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

Has anybody listened recently, I mean REALLY listened, to a press conference by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld? Public appearances by Rumsfeld have been severely limited by the White House since it was determined that he is CRAZY, but he pops up every once in a while. I watched a few minutes today. Newsflash: He's still crazy. I actually thought for a moment that I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit. Nope. I'm so sad now.

Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld appearing as special envoy to the Country Music Channel's benefit to end evildoing

Sad news from the baseball front

2006-03-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

So, I was planning out the forthcoming "Collected Works of Federalcheese" when I heard that Kirby Puckett died. I later learned that long-time Giants starter Kirk Rueter (pronounced Reeter) had retired. I know these two events will only mean something to baseball fans, but both Puckett and Rueter represent a bygone era in the sport. While Puckett always seemed a bit overweight and Rueter awkward looking and bald, both were considered by those in the business to be "gamers." That is to say they came at you with everything they had, everyday. It wasn't about fame or fortune. It wasn't about impressing the media or starring in a commercial. It wasn't about anything but winning games.

Those who know me know that I am not a big guy. As a player, I was never known for my overwhelming power. I was able to make my way onto teams in high school and college simply because I always gave my all. I knew that I couldn't throw harder than the next guy, nor could I hit a ball any further, but no one was ever going to question my effort. Puckett and Rueter were proof that that kind of play could pay off.

The last decade has seen the rise of the pure power player. Millions have gone and will continue to go to the park for the sole reason of seeing the home run, the "big fly," the Ya-Ya," the "donger." Steroids have fueled this craze and most fans don't seem to care. I hope that someday they will. I hope that someday baseball will be about baseball again. I hope that someday guys like Puckett and Rueter will be recognized, not for how many home runs they hit or how fast they threw, but for how they approached and respected the game. They will be recognized for showing us all what can be achieved through simple determination.

Kirby Puckett was named to the All-Star team ten times, won two World Series and hit .318 during a twelve year career with the Minnesota Twins. He died March 6th following a stroke. He was 45.

Kirk Rueter had a record of 130 wins and 92 losses during his 13-year major league career. His teammates nicknamed him "Woody" because of his resemblance to the character of the same name in the movie "Toy Story."

7UP I touched her thumb and she knew it was me

2006-02-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

That's a lyric from my favorite band of recent years, Built to Spill. The reason I mention this is because they have a new album coming out April 11th and, being from Idaho, will most likely be playing a few shows in the Northwest. And I will be attending. Built to Spill is the voice of all the under-achieving, depressed, generation x'ers out there striving to find their place in this work-a-day world. And God bless them for it. Lyrics like "we're special in other ways ways our mothers appreciate" really hits home. For a taste of the new album go here. Don't mind the sound quality, I have heard this song live and it's FUCKING AWESOME. Okay, I went a little my space/friendster there and I apologize, but it's just that I'm so damn excited about this. I've seen Built to Spill in Santa Barbara, Hollywood, Seattle, San Francisco, Santa Cruz and I've never been disappointed. I'll keep federalcheese readers informed of upcoming tour dates.

Doug Martsch et al.

Stuff

2006-02-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

I have recently returned from a mini-vacation to California. Der Ginge and I made the trip to Humboldt County in about 13 hours. The family in NorCal is doing well and I miss Humboldt County, a place I called home for nine months. If I could effectively make a living while living in the boondocks of extreme Northern California, I'd be there, but. . .Well anyway, we're back in Seattle. I visited my old place of employment and was told once again that, if I returned, I would have a job. If only it paid more than $7.50 an hour, but then again I do have a liberal arts degree from a technical university so beggars can't be choosers right? Anyhoo, Oregon, outside of Portland, is a state of redneck-hillbillies and presently seems to be completely under-water. Southern Washington isn't much better. But listening to David Sedaris on CD made it all bearable. Here are some pictures of Humboldt plus me and my beard (which I recently shaved off).

Redwoods. . .

The forest just up the road from Ginger's Mom's place.

I grew tired of shaving.

If your interested. . .

2006-01-12T22:21:00.000-08:00

Belle & Sebastian are appearing with the New Pornographers at the Paramount in Seattle on March 25th. The Ginje and I, amongst others, are going. Let federalcheese know if you are interested.

A few things

2006-01-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

First off, if you don't utilize Sitemeter for your website (or something similar), you should. It allows you to see who is dialing into your page, but it also shows you the various ways in which people find your site. For example, the most recent sitemeter report showed that somebody looking up "handjob" came upon federalcheese. For a second I thought I might have posted handjob pics while drunk, but upon further investigation, I discovered the link was due to the post about Bill Brasky giving a handjob to a Manta Ray. LOL. There was also a link to federalcheese from a MSN search for "hot college woman." I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Secondly, I had my first karaoke experience last Saturday night. I sang back-up for Adam Wujick and his version of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of The Heart." I heard at least one "Brokeback Mountain" reference.

Update

2006-01-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

My brother Daniel's version of the Giant's opening day line-up is pictured below. My brother has yet to enter the digital age.

Federalcheese takes issue

2005-12-24T21:37:00.000-08:00

I know that "federalcheese takes issue" is already a "regular" feature of this website, but I believe this particular issue deserves special attention; the backlash I suffer as a result of being a native Californian. Now, I don't know how many Californians out there have had to deal with this, but it's getting old. I'm sorry that I am from a place that is at the forefront of creating a better society, but that doesn't mean you don't have to let me merge in traffic. Years ago, I worked for a stone supply company in Seattle that catered to both professional and retail clientele. I routinely served customers that had come down from Alaska to do business in the civilized world. One such couple from Alaska, who happened to be ugly, extremly overweight, and smelled of stale cigarettes, once asked me where a particular stone they were interested in came from. I answered that it was mined in Colorado. They replied that Colorado was okay, as long as it wasn't California. Now, had I not needed the employment, my answer would have been something akin to telling said couple that California was a wondeful place and would stay wonderful if you two fat-ass hillbillies never graced it with your presence. I know, I know, I'm trying to assimilate to Washington state and, by in large, Washingtonians are a welcoming and free-thinking people. But there are some Washingtonians who believe that I am the anti-christ. And maybe I am. But trust me, we'll all be bettter off in the long run for my being here.

the cycle of life continues

2005-12-22T01:39:00.000-08:00

The President is spying on Americans. Iran has banned "Western" music. The Patriot Act has been renewed. I know, it's depressing, but remember; Spring Training starts in two months.

The Giants traded Edgardo Alfonzo to the LA Angels for Steve Finley on Wednesday, prompting federalcheese to make it's first opening day line-up prediction of the season:

The 2006 San Francisco Giants

1. Ray Durham, 2b
2. Omar Vizquel, SS
3. Moises Alou, RF
4. Barry Bonds, LF
5. Steve Finley, CF
6. Pedro Feliz, 3b
7. Lance Niekro, 1b
8. Mike Matheny, C
9. Pitcher

Look for a battle over center field between former all-star Steve Finley and Randy Winn who more than proved himself as a starter after coming over from the Mariners last season. Speaking of the Mariners, Carl Everett was recently acquired by the "M's" and, thanks to Justin Cooley, we won't forget that Carl once said he doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Yes, it's true. And in defense of all those dinosaurs out there, federalcheese operatives will be selling t-shirts with the following design before many Mariners home games. Come out and look for us (but not very hard, because we [me] will probably be very busy doing other things and so this plan will never happen)

All are invited

2005-12-19T23:46:00.000-08:00

To the federalcheese end of the year/birthday bash. Don’t get too excited because it’s only happening online and this post pretty much concludes the celebration. But hey. . .thanks for coming out. Seriously, federalcheese is a year old this month and it wouldn’t have happened without all of my loyal readers. I just wanted to thank both of you.

It’s been a hell of a year. Federalcheese relocated its headquarters to Seattle, leaving behind the over-priced conservatism that is SLO county. The Bush Administration kept us entertained with more crimes against the Constitution, the New Pornographers put out the album of the year in Twin Cinema and Albus Dumbledore died. Other shit happened, but I was probably at work when it did and so I missed it. Thanks to those who made it a year for the ages and hopefully more will have the balls to actually post comments in ‘06.

White flakes falling from the sky cause traffic delays

2005-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

The first real snow of the season:

The alley behind our house

FYI

2005-11-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

Novem-burr 27th. The first snow of the season in Seattle.

This is why blogs descend from monkeys

2005-11-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Soon, federalcheese will return to the high quality reporting and dynamic debate that put it at the forefront of the technological world. "What was the true legacy of the New Deal in American life?" "Has President Bush moved towards the center as Reagan did when he faced crisis?" "Exactly when did G. Gordon Liddy and Oliver North become admired patriots?" These and other questions of national importance will grace the screens of those who tune it, but first. . .just a little more fun. Aw, who's kidding, it'll be bullshit from here on out. But I am working on a few posts for the the "Story of Federalcheese." A "shout out" to my blood back by the bay for sending me the 411 on Chuck Norris. NOBODY beats Gabe Rock-n-Rolly.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind
the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse
kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees
to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to
bang
every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates
to
him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

This is why God invented blogs

2005-11-15T00:42:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, Saturday Night Live created a mythical character by the name of Bill Brasky. His exploits became legandary amongst all of us who felt life was passing us by. Bill Brasky grabbed life by the balls. But that's only part of the story. . .

Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and
it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with
a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY
IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it
say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good
for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated
irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a
month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me
curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal
when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine
ball!"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At
the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with
riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the
road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept
for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All
in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to
Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson
insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And
punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby
shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky
decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He
stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for
their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake
before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16
ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil
Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Poll."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of,
'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast
and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The
production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called
that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the
Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in
high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He
did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died.
Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from
'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in
porno films."

"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for
the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

The best mispronunciation of my name so far.

2005-11-10T19:35:00.000-08:00

"Thank you for shopping Mr. Ellenstein."

The Universe is Aligned

2005-11-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

Justin Cooley wasn't the only one having a handsome day today. The hair seemed to be working, I had a close shave, and the bags under my eyes that usually denote how fed up I am, didn't seem all that bad today. I did have to go into work on my day off, and the traffic was pretty bad, but fuck it man. I look good!

Yet again, I was wrong.

2005-10-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the Chicago White Sox for sweeping the Houston Astros and winning the World Series. In a previous post I labeled the Astros as odds on favorites to win and at the time they were. But the game of baseball isn't like other sports. The best teams usually end up winning, but who the best team is is usually not decided until the end. That may sound obvious, but it seems as if in other professional sports, the winners are decided before the season even starts. Baseball purists will tell you that "any given team can win on any given day." Maybe that's true. Or it could be that the White Sox simply played better. Which they did. And maybe federalcheese readers don't really care about the World Series, but I do. And it's my blog.

My Saturday Morning

2005-10-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

So I’m driving to work yesterday. I’m running late because I’m still not used to commuting to work. But it’s a Saturday and so I figure it should be a pretty easy drive, right? Wrong. I forgot that the juggernaut that is USC football was coming to Husky Stadium. My commute takes me by the University of Washington, which usually doesn’t mean much, but yesterday it did. Thousands of UW fans clogging the already taxed Seattle freeway system didn’t surprise me, but the USC football team getting a police escort did. It seems as if the Trojans were a running a little late and needed the King County Sheriff’s Dept. in order to navigate traffic to the game. Long story short, USC made it in time to completely annihilate the Huskies. It’s not everyday that one sees four luxury buses filled with the most size 48 long suits outside of a Rochester Big n’ Tall following cops on bikes. But, then again, I haven’t lived here very long.

Dateline: Seattle

2005-10-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

A few friends were adament that I would be missed in SLO and that I keep federalcheese updated for those who would suffer in my absence. I say it's all bullshit, but I agreed and so here we go. Seattle is everything I remember it to be; cold and rainy. Which is the way I prefer it. The new apartment, being about twice as big as the studio Ginger and I lived in previously, took about a thousand dollars of IKEA to fill. We walked that fine line of purchasing affordable furniture, while not looking like we purchased affordable furniture. And I think we did a good job. The new Barnes & Noble is good. It's Barnes and Noble, what can I say. Actually, I'll say this; Due to Bellevue, Washington's proximity to tech businesses and money, there are two distict groups that meet at Barnes on a regular basis. We have a monthly Linux users meeting, as well as a WEEKLY European au pair night. Yes, several groups of young British, French and German girls descend upon B&N every Tuesday night to discuss the Old World and the perils of life in the New. And to make my life difficult by NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH. But the accents more than make up for it. That's all for now, but there I promise there will be more to come.

PS-briefly on the political front; Saddam Hussein is being a bitch and Harriet Miers is being vague and Dick Cheney and friends are about to be fucked.

PPS-Congrats to the Houston Astros for making it to the World Series. According to the numbers, Houston should be victorious over the White Sox. And considering the American League doesn't actually count. . .